Getting old is must.Growing up is a choice

 

Always the start is the hardest part.

I have no idea what or why i am starting.My xsoul mate whispered a lot in my ears and said…. your life just like a movie…… you should write a book. I thought about it a lot.Neverknown how to begin arranging  my thoughts let alone writing in my 2nd language.Any way .That is not a book. It’s all about feeling alone trapped within your skin.I am an X Marine where I learned a simple but important cardinal rule”If you commit it’s to the end”.Haha Stupid I know right. I took my military safe guard with me after service to my love life.I will be the first to admit I like to be safe and gray is not my color. I had to put up with a lot in my most recent failed dream. After I discovered she was unfaithful I start to see the repetitive pattern of behavior. I love a successful strong independent woman and before u know it i  am in love.  Protective mode got taken not out of insecurity but out of fear of another loss.  I have this bad belief that everything I love I lose. So I either throw it away or smother it.I need some help through this nightmare.Love for me is 2 roses; smiles,happiness and teardrops. All at once. Sometimes.Love is the sun rise over the ocean and the seagull sound.  Love u know it’s true when you can’t keep your eyes off her eyes and be able to see through them just goodness and ignore all the brokenness because we are all broken.   I can’t believe how easy some people play with the word. I have done a lot of bad in the past(we cover that in next blog) but all the way I knew that I can love and I believed in love from the first sight.  It did happen to me twice in my life.  One ended with marriage and another time with my English rose.  She broke my heart by cheating on me with a clown.Any way God bless them and every one sold their soul for cheap.I have no idea where am I going with that.But I can see that I am trying to underplay my part by pushing away the people I love. I can’t wait until I learn to lean in .I can’t wait until I trust in life again and in humankind.  I can’t wait for 2nd chance.We are the makers of our own history .

A.M

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